This is Not My Year to Burn

It's at this point of the year I'd be booking flights.  Handling travel logistics.  Prepping the camping gear for harsh conditions.  But right now it's just not financially, mentally, or emotionally responsible for me to attend Burning Man this year.

Welcome Home.  Unfortunately.

Late last year I was working on cutting edge projects for one of the world's largest software companies, traveling to the west coast to attend big meetings, building plans for the future of my career.  I was in therapy.  Keeping the apartment clean.  Hitting the gym.  Really working on myself.  Then out of nowhere I became a rounding error, and found myself unemployed rather suddenly with the rug pulled out from under me.  I was devastated.  Took months for me to recover.  A year of therapy down the drain.  I was nonfunctional.  Could barely get out of bed some days, and when I did I'd start the day dry heaving.  At first I thought this was due to excessive self medication with alcohol.  But then when I'd quit drinking I'd still be heaving like a pregnant woman with morning sickness.  I put 2 and 2 together and realized it was more due to stress, depression, and anxiety than anything that came out of a bottle.  I focus on breathing exercises.

I still have good and bad days.

When I put the pieces back together enough to actually start the next chapter in my career the timing was always bad.  Companies have been "right sizing" since COVID.  I wasn't getting much traction.  Then we had a new president tanking the economy.  Make no mistake.  I plan and prep.  I'm not financially strapped.  At least not yet.  I have unemployment, severance, and savings.  I have a retirement plan I could live off of for years if I had to pull that particular emergency cord early.  That doesn't mean the situation doesn't make me feel sick to my stomach.

It's still difficult now, but I'm making progress.  I've been getting interviews.  Trying to get back on track and rebuild what I lost.  But the stress of getting my ass and all my gear 2,000 miles away into the desert would be just too much.  Not to mention the expenses.

I've been laying low.  Not being social much.  But I do plan to attend Firefly.  It's one of the local New England Burns in Vermont, and since I can just chuck all my gear into the back of the SUV and drive out there it's a lot less stressful.  Even with my anxiety it helps that I'm with a camp I know I can rely on.  I need to get out of the apartment.  I need to get out of the prison I built for myself with only my cats as cellmates.

I'm going to miss my friends I usually only get to see once a year out in the desert.  But you never know what the future might bring.  I'll see where I'm at in life next year, and make that assessment to once again return home.